A simple statement, and yet, in many ways, it's true. And it's also completely untrue. Howard appreciates Kei. He's wise and rational, a kindred spirit. Kei is like no other person in Recolle, because Howard can be as negative as he wants with him, and Kei will never judge him for that. In fact, Kei will support it, nurture those dark thoughts, and help to push Howard into being someone who accepts his own darkness.
And of course, Howard will say that he cares for Kei, and he does, but when it gets down to it, Howard doesn't think of Kei quite like a person. He does not worry about Kei's wellbeing all too much, because he assumes that Kei is fine. He does not think at all about Kei's feelings, because he believes he doesn't really have much of them at all. Howard likes Kei because of what he gets out of Kei. It's a selfish friendship. He cares little for what he can provide for Kei as long as he gets what he wants.
And Kei is addictive. Kei is a poison that tastes too good to be entirely comfortable. Every human being has the desire to indulge in their own personal vices, and Howard is no different. What if he's a monster? What if he's a terrible human being who would be happy to see other's suffer? Kei says its alright, so he can allow himself that. Maybe his own morals don't need to matter that much...
In a bizarre sort of way, Howard does love Kei, but it's not a romantic love. It's a love that a starving man has for a piece of bread, a love that a drug addict has for his next hit. It's a desperate, lonely, dark sort of feeling that pulls him to Kei time and time again, and the more he clings to him the more he feels himself falling into the monstrous person he thinks his past life is.
However, that doesn't mean he doesn't have doubts, like the time he wondered if Kei was using him. It's rare, but the times he thinks about what Kei wants deeply terrifies him in ways he doesn't understand. He waves it off as Kei enjoying his miserable insights because that's the kind of person he is, but is that really it? Is that what Kei needs? Is that what Kei wants to see from him? He doesn't really know Kei the way he should. He's too limited by his own selfish needs and desperation to feel validated in someone else's eyes.
Even if that someone is Kei. Maybe someday Kei will succeed. Maybe Howard will become a monster. But after that, would he need Kei anymore? He would accept himself. He would accept his darkness. And Kei would be meaningless to him, because he wouldn't need his advice or help.
Overall, Kei is trying to bring a monster out of a man. But if that happens, Kei needs to understand that the monster he's trying to pull out will very likely bite off the hand that feeds it.
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A simple statement, and yet, in many ways, it's true. And it's also completely untrue. Howard appreciates Kei. He's wise and rational, a kindred spirit. Kei is like no other person in Recolle, because Howard can be as negative as he wants with him, and Kei will never judge him for that. In fact, Kei will support it, nurture those dark thoughts, and help to push Howard into being someone who accepts his own darkness.
And of course, Howard will say that he cares for Kei, and he does, but when it gets down to it, Howard doesn't think of Kei quite like a person. He does not worry about Kei's wellbeing all too much, because he assumes that Kei is fine. He does not think at all about Kei's feelings, because he believes he doesn't really have much of them at all. Howard likes Kei because of what he gets out of Kei. It's a selfish friendship. He cares little for what he can provide for Kei as long as he gets what he wants.
And Kei is addictive. Kei is a poison that tastes too good to be entirely comfortable. Every human being has the desire to indulge in their own personal vices, and Howard is no different. What if he's a monster? What if he's a terrible human being who would be happy to see other's suffer? Kei says its alright, so he can allow himself that. Maybe his own morals don't need to matter that much...
In a bizarre sort of way, Howard does love Kei, but it's not a romantic love. It's a love that a starving man has for a piece of bread, a love that a drug addict has for his next hit. It's a desperate, lonely, dark sort of feeling that pulls him to Kei time and time again, and the more he clings to him the more he feels himself falling into the monstrous person he thinks his past life is.
However, that doesn't mean he doesn't have doubts, like the time he wondered if Kei was using him. It's rare, but the times he thinks about what Kei wants deeply terrifies him in ways he doesn't understand. He waves it off as Kei enjoying his miserable insights because that's the kind of person he is, but is that really it? Is that what Kei needs? Is that what Kei wants to see from him? He doesn't really know Kei the way he should. He's too limited by his own selfish needs and desperation to feel validated in someone else's eyes.
Even if that someone is Kei. Maybe someday Kei will succeed. Maybe Howard will become a monster. But after that, would he need Kei anymore? He would accept himself. He would accept his darkness. And Kei would be meaningless to him, because he wouldn't need his advice or help.
Overall, Kei is trying to bring a monster out of a man. But if that happens, Kei needs to understand that the monster he's trying to pull out will very likely bite off the hand that feeds it.
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